Led by:
Watchman Erik Hellbrass.
Attended by:
Sergeant Hoagie.
Regular Guardsman Kas Valentine.
Watchman Delferium.
Guardsman Recruit Eddy.
Guardsman Recruit Taybard Jaekel.
Guardsman Recruit Azhaal Rhu.
What do you do when you're left with a good number of guardsmen after a vastly successful patrol...? Do you dismiss them...? Do you buy them all a variety of alcoholic beverages as thanks...? Do you smack each one around the side of the head...?
No !
Not in the view of the mighty Erik Hellbrass !
With a rousing cry he made clear his intentions;
Erik Hellbrass: "Listen up men, you've purged the local graveyard of undead, very clever. I'm sure you're very proud of yourselves but the truth of the matter is this amounts to nothing more than collapsing a few skeletons and squidging the odd zombie head. What I have in mind is a lot more challenging than that. We shall be heading into the dungeon known as Shame and going toe to toe with it's elemental residents. Is that clear!? Can you handle that!?"
The guardsman and I bashfully agreed that we could and with Erik's direction I proceeded to open up a portal to get us to this destination.
As we looked into the entrance of the dungeon Hellbrass instructed some of the recruits to ignite torches. The darkness of the place is renowned and without their illumination we'd be up a creek without a paddle. With this done we stepped inside and started wading through the initial elementals, large creatures of earth and stone, but no match for Covian guardsmen.
Moving carefully through the winding caverns we eventually came to a dead end and, a podium.
Erik Hellbrass: "Buttons, yes you Delferium, bring your torch over here"
With the assistance of beloved Buttons a small dragon statue was revealed to be perched atop the small stone table. It was very carefully crafted, the detail of it's features being the result of some ancient stonemason, why or how it had been placed there was a source of great puzzlement.
However Hellbrass seemed to have some background knowledge in that respect and began to ask the guardsman for a word describing "intelligence". Several were suggested but all apparently incorrect, I tired of the speculation and offered some advice, the word being very clear to me.
Kas Valentine: "Wisdom"
Suddenly I was separated from the others, finding myself in a small room and without the company of our torches, thrown into darkness.
I was not alone.
I fought desperately against an elemental of pure air and wind, a demented cackling Arcanist joining the fray at the same time. With immense exertion on my part (and not a small amount of luck) I managed to vanquish my foes and catch my breath. Around this time the others figured out the correct word and began to teleport in, much to my relief.
Erik Hellbrass (with a smirk on his face)
: "Alright there Valentine...? Still alive then? Hoh ! I do love to catch people out with that little riddle, glad to see you earning your keep. Come on men s'get through those doors and back to the job at hand."
With a pat at my shoulder Erik led the group out of the room and across a bridge, cutting down (or rather dispersing) several air elementals on the way. The corridors were a lot damper, with formations of rock on both the floor and the ceiling, doubtless many people had died down here but not Cove !
We battled against elementals of fire,
We battled against elementals of acid,
We even battled against some old floating eyeballs....
But we were not defeaten !
Granted we did get a little charred and Buttons suffered some beard damage from the acid but in the end we came out on top. The only thing that we did eventually end up being troubled by were directions, stopping frequently to guess at the right route to take.
Our trial and error was a source of amusement for some, worry for others and Hoagie simply wasn't bothered either way....
Taybard Jaekel: "We're lost aren't we....!?"
Delferium: "Your mum is lost"
Erik Hellbrass: "Taybard, we are not lost we are simply taking the more difficult path through this place. Buttons, leave his mother alone"
Eddy: "So we're lost then"
Hoagie (singing to himself)
: "....I need a Hoagie for the rest of the night...."
Erik Hellbrass: "WE ARE NOT LOST"
Delferium: ".....your mum"
Taybard Jaekel: "I don't like being lost, it plays havoc with my bowels"
Hoagie (still singing)
: ".....and such fantastic buuuuuuuns...."
Erik Hellbrass (calming slightly)
: "Jaekel please, pull yourself together, we will be back in Cove before missing person notices are issued, at least I think so anyway...."
Delferium (clearly not happy about being ignored)
: "I play havoc with
your mums bowels"
Taybard Jaekel (groaning)
: "Yes sir, sorry sir"
Hoagie: "Sorry what are we doing...? Lost myself for a moment there"
Kas Valentine (trying to attract everyones attention with a point of his finger)
: "Sir something is glowing up ahead"
Delferium (with a sad look to the floor and a tiny voice)
: "...like your mum after I rogered her...?"
Erik Hellbrass (with a brave smile)
: "You see, we've found the way out, ready your arms and prepare to fight. Oh and for the love of the Avatar, someone give Buttons a slap"
We approached the strange light, slightly coloured in nature, with Delferium lagging behind and rubbing at his cheek. Apparently the levels of Shame are connected by a series of pulsating moongates, or so we would later discover. For the time being we sent the recruits through one at a time to scout out any danger.
Two such moongates were made use of, the guardsmen fighting their way through more elementals as we worked from one to the other. By my reckoning it was on the second level of the dungeon that we had a chance meeting with one of Cove's oldest heroes, the famous Ryan Greystone.
Unfortunately for us he couldn't be of any assistance on account of being a pile of twisted skeletal remains, but it was definitely him, you could tell by the large jawbone and considerable pelvis. Hellbrass ordered us to pay our respects with a salute and then we got back to negotiating our escape.
We were joined by Azhaal Rhu at about this time, his considerable prowess with the Arcane proving a welcome addition to our company. The remaining levels of the dungeon were overcome with ease, although we did come across several other notable skeletons.
Namely;
Freddy Fuzzynubbins.
Penny Pitternickle.
Betty Big 'Uns.
Lucius Dungmoor.
Pauly Plopplopplop.
The artist formerly known as "Rinsed".
(And many more, please leave a note if you can recall any of our fallen)
Each one received Cove's respectful salute and a short silence. Shame presented us with a number of rickety ramshackle bridges, each one tested out by recruits before the higher ranking members proceeded across. Thankfully they held up under our weight, which is surprising since we had Buttons with us, but nevermind.
The top most level of the dungeon was no trouble at all, our heroes even exchanged a pleasant conversation with a Miss Petra Fyde. She informed the guardsmen of seeds currently being unearthed which if nurtured would grow into hedges and cocoa plants. Certain belly's began to rumble at the mention of food so we made our goodbyes and headed outside.
Erik Hellbrass: "Fantastic work men, absolutely outstanding, you see what you can do when you put your mind to it...? FOR COVE!"
With a jubilant shout we expressed our agreement and returned to the barracks. The sum of nine thousand three hundred and three coins was placed in the coffers and the gemstones we collected were distributed among us.
In conclusion....
Elementals destroyed: 1,332,456.
Flavours of elemental encountered: Chocolate, coconut, cherry, grape and beef.
Number of times Delferium abused our mothers: Unable to determine.
Quality of Hoagie's singing: Legendary.
Quality of Hoagie's buns: Pert.
Torches exhausted: Forty three and a half.
Scent at the deepest levels of the dungeon: Bewitchingly vile.
Best description of the smell: "Similar to that given off by Delferium's face but not as bad"
Never let it be said, ever again, that the men and women of Cove shy away from danger.
Signed in exhausted sloppy handwriting,
Regular Scribe Guardsman Kas Valentine.
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