The Rage of Raaz: A Play By Hoagie Grayner

[Hoagie]

Introduction

SEXY GYPSY:  Welcome, one and all, to the one and only showing of the North’s greatest true and tragic tale. Hold back tears as you watch the reenactment of the events that took place on that fateful night all those years ago, when savage orcs attacked Cove in the dead of night. Unleash your cheers as you see the fire of the Covian spirit in response. I give you… the Rage of Raaz.

Act I

SEXY GYPSY: The beginning of our story sees our two lovers walking through Cove town.

RAAZ: Oh Barry. I feel so lucky that I, a simple farm hand, could be engaged to you, a noble tailor.

They kiss.

BARRY: I feel the same way, Raaz. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you. But joyfully giving so much time to you, I am struggling to balance my work as a tailor with my other passion: campaigning for a program to reform and civilise the orcs.

RAAZ: Oh, Barry. Must you persist with that? We have all told you a thousand times that orcs cannot be civilised. They're just too beastly.

BARRY: So they say! But I'm sure that soon, we will all be much closer to those misunderstood, green, friends. What is freedom without tolerance for those who are different to ourselves? I must go, my love, work awaits. Shall I see thee later?

RAAZ: Yes, my love. I hope that when I see you next, you have reconsidered this silliness.

They kiss again, Barry leaves.
Lightning strikes. It begins to rain. Crows.

RAAZ: Oh, Barry...

Interlude

Gypsy and Sexy Gypsy walk on stage.

GYPSY: What do you call a dead orc?

SEXY GYPSY: I don’t know, what do you call a dead orc?

GYPSY: A step in the right direction!

SEXY GYPSY: Ha! What’s the difference between an orc and a member of the Vesperian militia?

GYPSY: What?

SEXY GYPSY: One is rude, green, smelly, and not fit for polite society. The other is an orc!

They exit the stage.

Act II

SEXY GYPSY: Unfortunately for our lovers, a peaceful future was not theirs to have. One fateful night, orcs swarmed from their fort to the south of Cove and overran the town!"

Barry wanders, scared, through Cove. Orcs run to and fro. They surround him.

ORC BOSS: I iz an orc and I iz know nothing but to kill!

BARRY: Oh, noble orc, we may have our differences, but surely we can live in peace? Can we not be... friends?

ORC BOSS: Yub, hoomie. Orc and humie, friend.

The orc extends its hand in friendship. Barry shakes it as the other orcs clap and cheer.

ORC BOSS: Hur hur hur, stoopid humie. Orc iz no friend! Orc iz MONSTER!

The orc stabs him in the gut and they all run off laughing.
Raaz enters from the other side of the stage.

RAAZ: BARRY! BARRY, WHERE ARE YOU?!

She runs frantically to and fro. Barry is barely concealed behind some bushes. She finds him.

BARRY: It is I, your lover, Barry! I am not long for this world, my love. I am undone! I thought we could live in peace with the orcs, but 'twas folly!

RAAZ: Barry, you must live! I cannot go on without you!

BARRY: My love... I am undone! ‘Twas not the orcish blades that slew me, but my foolish notions. I shall see thee again in the presence of Avatar.

Barry dies dramatically. Really go for it.

RAAZ: NOOOOOOOOOOO! [for as long as breath allows]

Interlude

The two gypsies walk onto the stage.

GYPSY: Tell me another joke, Sexy Gypsy!

SEXY GYPSY: Hey, what do you call…

Orc Boss and some orcs rush onto the stage and brutally murder the two gypsies. They run off stage, dragging the two gypsies with them.

Act III

SEXY GYPSY: We see Raaz outside of her house, wracked by grief and fury. Her true love taken from her, she contemplates death and revenge.

Raaz paces outside her house.

RAAZ: I can not live in this world without my love, Barry. A noble man, but his heart was so big it was taking up the space where his brain should have been!

Oh, Barry! Gentle Barry! I shall not draw another breath while a single orc lives to breathe the same air. I shall not tread this Covian soil while orcish footprints mar it!

A noble pursuit, made impossible by the ignoble nature of the beasts that he meant to tame. Oh, Barry! All orcs are beasts and must face the fate of a beast! We can NEVER co-exist! Anyone who says otherwise is a fool! Oh, Barry!

The orcs come back on stage, laughing and waving their weapons menacingly. Raaz picks up a pitchfork.

ORC BOSS: We sure show dese dumb humies who iz real boss. Klomp them! Take deir shiniez!

RAAZ: Foul beast! Black hearted rogue! You brought death and suffering to our fair town, and now I shall visit a thousand times the suffering upon you! ARRRGGHHH!

Raaz charges them. They fight. Raaz slays all but the orc leader. Raaz and the orc leader run each other through, simultaneously.

ORC BOSS: Stupid humie. Mub die, but mub brothers live on. Revenge!

RAAZ: We shall slay you where we find you. For... Barry. For... COVE!

They both die. Curtain falls.

Finale

Sexy Gypsy enters.

SEXY GYPSY: Thank you one and all for bearing witness to Cove’s greatest tragedy, the tale of The Rage of Raaz. This is the story behind one of the most coveted medals of the Covian Army, handed out for continued displays of tactical excellence and combat prowess. This play is dedicated to all those who have fought and shed blood for Cove, from the greenest recruit to those who have paid the ultimate sacrifice.

Sexy Gypsy exits, preferable cartwheeling and/or back flipping.

Serj walks out, bows, and performs “Marchin’ Up To Vesper”. The rest of the cast come join him at the end. All bow.

Fin.