Ily's self-therapy stuff

[Leanne Martin]

WARNING! This thread may contain severe depressive text! Do read at your own risk. If you can't handle these kind of things, better don't.


You're my favorite thing
Wondering and think
Hurt me, if you can

You're my favorite star
Wondering how far
I made a big mistake

I hurt her, but I didn't know
I hurt her, 'cause I can't let go
I hurt her, 'cause she's a killing joke

I hurt her, but I didn't know
I hurt her, 'cause it's time to go,
to face the cold within

I will hurt you in the morning
I will love you in the night

You're my sweetest thing
Something strange begins
Hit me with your thoughts

You're my favorite star
I will rape your heart
Some cruel and ugly things

I hurt her, but I didn't know
I hurt her, 'cause I can't let go
I hurt her, 'cause she's a killing joke

I hurt her, but I didn't know
I hurt her, 'cause it's time to go,
to face the cold within

I will hurt you in the morning
I will love you in the night

(What my anxiety said if it could talk >.<)

[Serj Eason]

I hate anxiety It's dispersed considerably since I gave up caffeine but it can still hurt me..!

[Leanne Martin]

I hate anxiety It's dispersed considerably since I gave up caffeine but it can still hurt me..!

Yeah it's bloody bollocks >_> I really don't want to give up caffeine

[Leanne Martin]

I know you will miss me
Even if you have to go now
No more violins when we kiss
I just didn't know it'll come

I hope my words don't make it worse
Just forget your pride for once!
I know you still love me!

So this was it all? Like in a lovesong
Can't we find a solution? Like in a lovesong
The opportunity is just too small. Like in a lovesong
But I only love you

So much has become a habit
But that is always the danger
Routine has taken its place
Until you couldn't take it anymore

I know you will miss me
I already miss you
I miss the violins, miss to kiss you
Nothing on this world that could replace you

[Leanne Martin]

A dead body floats in the pond.
My glance fell on her,
I saw her right away.

A dead body floats in the pond.
Was it an accident,
or was it a murder?

She floats on her stomach.
And from here it looks,
she might just dozing.

A peaceful scenery
she looks like she's redeemed.

A dead body floats in the pond.
I sit on the grass,
a dog walks pass me.

A dead body floats in the pond.
I'm sure someone will inform
the police.

I'd like to show her to you,
but you're not here.
Suddenly you vanished,
I hope nothing happened to you.

A dead body floats in the pond.
I sit in the shade,
and just keep watching her.

A dead body floats in the pond.
She has your figure
and she wears your shoes.

I get a bit sad,
why, I don't know.
I think, a bit,
she reminds me of you.

A dead body floats in the pond.
Is someone searching for her?
Is someone missing her?

A dead body floats in the pond.
I would like to ask you
if you know who she is.

I waited for days for you
and I wonder where, where could you be?
I don't give up,
that you at least write or call.

A dead body floats in the pond.
I keep wondering,
why no one does anything.

There is no dead body in the pond.
Because I digged up a hole,
in the deepest night.

I carried her to the grave.
She was soaked and so cold,
yet still it was nice.

It was pretty dark,
I didn't see her face.

I don't know where you are now,
but I hope you don't forget me.
Until you'll come back,
that's how long I'll wait,
for you...

[Leanne Martin]

The morning sets, I'm awake.
I lay in bed and start to think.
My heart is full, but someone's missing.
I'd like to told you so much more.

Being sad makes no sence.
The sun keeps shining after all.
But that is what is shit,
the sun it shines, like it doesn't matter.

It's getting bright, I feel empty.
I wished, it wouldn't be like that.
You never stand, back at my door.
The sun it shines. I hate it for it.

Being sad makes no sence.
The sun keeps shining after all.
That makes the pain oh so brutal,
the sun it shines, like it doesn't care.

And if you sweat or if you freeze,
and if you dwell into madness,
if you waste alone in the mud.
The sun it shines, like nothing happened.

It's not like in a movie,
the hero dies last there,
so you don't have to bear to long,
without him by your side.

It's not like in a movie,
you can't just leave,
and you can't just rewind,
to just not see the end!

Being sad makes no sence.
The sun keeps shining after all.
But that is what is shit,
the sun it shines, like it doesn't matter.

I don't know what the future brings,
and if this might sound corny:
I have cried for you tonight.
I wish that the sun shines for you...

[Leanne Martin]

What do they see when they look at me?
Who are they to judge me
If they never spoke with me
Never looked without laughing
Never tried to see, see me
I can't believe that it is only me
The person to hate
The only left out
I can't believe how they can be so mean
If they could feel the brutal stings of their words
And the bitter cold when they laugh
Once more I'm running
Running away, I must hide
Can't take anymore
A fight to free me from an endless struggle with life
Running, tell me how far should I go
If they're all the same
This fight
I'm fighting my way through
I don't really want to be like them
The way they behave
The way that they live
I don't really need someone
No people like that
Someone in a world with wars and respite
A world without the feeling
I must be running


Come enter, here's my world
Closed off from pain and cold
Come enter, come inside
A secret place of light
'Cause in this world I'm rid of you, you can't get through
So here I am and I'm beautiful
and all my friends would say the same
So here I am; and you cannot deny that I am someone you'd embrace
I am the queen; I'm pure and loved by everyone
Come enter, here's my code
Through the world wide wire you'll know
The queen of her own world
My story; meet my life
So now you see, there is another me
Not someone insecure and strange
My father's will in here, it doesn't mean a thing
And I don't fear his violent rage
I am the queen; you know I'm loved by everyone
Come enter, here's my code
Through the world wide wire you'll know
The queen of her own world

Stop dreaming and wake up
Your silly world is not what's real
This world of fake friends
and computers, digital deceit
This cyber wall
is built to break out or hold
The choice is yours,
will you dream or see what's real?

Oh...no, no more
Just let me be alone with myself
These conflicting thoughts increase my doubts
I am the queen, I must be loved!
This so-called 'wall' is there to protect
a life controlled by keys, closed off from pain and cold


My mind is under an attack,
although no one sees
My past is pounding in the back of my memories
It's always there to poison my mind with all I do
Feelings I know so well seem to come back
as if nothing's ever changed
Fear was one of the reasons to crawl away into a world I lost
I know the rules, I play the game
but somehow it always stays the same
In spite of my will, in spite of my hope, in spite of it all
Nothing will change,
nothing is done for the victim I am forced to remain
Cause these days make you feel, and you are on your own

Study, work hard, marry,
reproduce and become the perfect model
Can you stand the test of time if life is a vicious circle
without the mirror of another path

So for those who believe in this life
spin right on the circle must be round
Every turn has its vortex, you'll drown if nobody warns you
and shows you another circle of life

[Leanne Martin]

Sitting in a dark room
Glancing at the bloody tool
Will you cut it and be done with?
End the circle

Do it! Do it fast!
No one will shed a tear
You're worthless
Miserable! Disgusting!

You should never have been born
They told you, over and over
Hiding in your fantasies
Like a child, pathetic and weak

Or take the pills and take a bath
Slowly drift away
Until you are breathless
Forever and ever, free

You're scared, you shake
Let the tears flow
Taste the salt
Vanish, no one will miss you

Drown yourself in alcohol
Drink yourself to sleep
You can do it, just swig it
And another, and another

But no, you can't
Because you're after all
Just a miserable something
Worthless, weak, useless

No one will be with you
Except for me, forever
I will never fade
No matter how much you try

I'm here to take you
I'm here to rape you
Poison your mind
Intoxicate your thoughts

What is that you say?
You love her?
That angel of yours?
Pathetic, weak, useless!

You couldn't tell her then
You can't tell her now
She wouldn't return it
It's dumb - you're dumb

Come and let it go
It's a nice day to die
Goodbye cruel world
It shall be your last goodbye

[Leanne Martin]

Grey wind blows around the corner,
doesn't care for house nor man nor tree.
Fog is follows many roads.
Coldness wraps itself around me.

The heart goes tired,
and slowly the blink of the eyes.
The feelings drift slowly
in life's dark grave.

All lust is frozen,
behind walls as thick as ice.
Nothing remembers of happiness,
only longing silently breaths.

Grey wind blows around the corner,
blows me sadness in my face.
My luck it has gone with a scare,
Emptiness and almost no light.

But as much as I feel it,
that I'm being left out,
I only left myself,
for the search of a greater sense.

Many people I once served,
effort, success and vanity...
Just for myself I forgot
in the sea of emptiness this time.

What I searched, I couldn't find,
the place was chosen poorly.
Outside I can't find,
what is missing in my heart.

Only I can give,
what the heart wants.
Love, appreciation, life -
all is just in reach.

It is time to go home,
to the door of my heart,
'cause luck it waited a long time,
only my heart knows who I am.

Grey wind blows around the corner,
doesn't care for house nor man nor tree.
Only the sun can make it go away,
the sun and my confidence and you.


(in appreciation of Pickles, that you are always there for me  )

[Leanne Martin]

Something infests me when I'm alone
it's lunacy
I want to vomit, spit out my life
so queer is seems

Retract your reverence and slander me
I'm the traitor of mine
a close-up picture of my lost chastity
there's nothing left of me anymore

And no rain can wash away those bloody tears
as sweet sounds of destruction reach my ears
red lips like roses call my name
but laughter is all the woman of now hears

In gloom I wander, it batters me
though I subsist of it
the smell of incense arouses me
abeyance maddens me

A ginger sunset is my caress
as I expire
as music's fading I fade within
there's nothing left of me anymore

And no rain can wash away those bloody tears
as sweet sounds of destruction reach my ears
red lips like roses call my name
but laughter is all the woman of now hears

[Leanne Martin]

I'm drowning.
I look around at everyone going past and suddenly I can't breathe.
It looks so easy for them,
Going about and laughing,
Having the time of their lives.
Why is it so easy for them?

I'm drowning.
But then,
Then I think of you.
I think about our times spent.
I remember walking together,
I remember nights together,
I remember movies together,
I remember how it all started.

I'm drowning.
But then I think of you.
I begin to wonder,
Am I really drowning?
Not when I have you.
Then I realize,
I'm losing you,
And these pleasant memories?
They turn to bitter reminders of once was.
So maybe,
Maybe I am drowning.

Because without you,
I can't breathe.

[Leanne Martin]

He traps me like a prisoner.
Never lets me see the light.
Never lets me go.
He keeps me up at night.

Numbness runs through my veins when he's around.
He's got me locked in chains and I can't break free.
He's got his control pushed into my mind.
He is so close to just killing me.

He beats me constantly and drives everyone away.
He locks me away in my cell, whom size is so small.
I can't barely move or breathe.
The chains bury deep in my body, and he doesn't care at all.

Yes he's like a needle constantly poking into my flesh.
I barely get fed and no-one comes to see me.
My heart is constantly sore and my eyes always so red.
Everyday I try and escape, I search around for a key.

My attempts are worthless just like myself.
The light keeps dimming and my hope is fading.
He leaves me a noose close by.
Suicide is something I've been contemplating.

But I won't because I know that's what he wants.
The sick man only tightens his chains every time he comes around.
I thrash and scream for help but no-one hears me.
He eventually gagged me so I can't make a sound.

Now I lay here empty, dying, and broken on this cold, dark, stone floor.
I won't give up just yet though, I can't.
He's a snake tightening his grip.
My heart is wilted just like a dying plant.

He can't keep me prisoner forever.
I will fight my way out.
I will tear these chains away and turn on the light.
I will no longer be a victim to his doubt.

This man, the in prisoner, once told me his name.
He came forward one day and whispered it low.
"My name is depression."
That's when I knew I could tell him no.

[Leanne Martin]

Whenever I visit you, I feel without boundries
Everything else seems so far away from here

I like the silence, between all the trees here
It seems like peace on earth really exists

It is a nice path, which leads so unsuspicious to you
Yes, I like it, because it seems so bright and friendly

I brought some flowers, don't know if you like them
Back then, you probably would have enjoyed them

If you don't like them, don't bother anymore
They will be put away, for sure, sooner or later

How I feel, you ask this question every time
I am okay, don't want you to worry too much

And so I talk to you like always
Just like we did in the past
Like we had all the time in the world

I feel you so close to me
Can hear your voice in the wind
And when it rains, I know you sometimes cry
Until the sun shines. Until it shines again

I have to greet you, from the others
They still think about you a lot of time

And your garden, it really blooms these days
Although one sees, that it misses you a lot

And there still come letters, thick adressed to you
Although everyone knows, that you moved away

And so I talk to you like always
And I promise to you
One day, we have so much time

Then we will see each other again
You can take care, when you want to
That the sun shines on my grave that day
That the sun shines. Until it shines again

[Leanne Martin]

To friends who have always been there,
to friends who have listened to all my pain.
Thanks to you I have someone to turn to,
someone to run to when things go wrong.

All the frowns I've worn
that you've turned into smiles.
All the times I wanted to die,
You have led me the way.

Thanks go to you.

Without you my life would be
like the moon without the stars.
I would have no one to brighten my horizons
and widen my spirits.

No one can come close to measure up
to all the things that you've done for me.
Letter by letter my spirits were lifted
and I knew that if I ever needed you were there.

So thanks go to you for everything.
For giving me sight for tomorrow.
Thanks to you I have someone to live for,
someone to look forward to.

Thanks for always being there,
for believing in me and our friendship!


Dedicated to Hoagie and Pickles <3

[Leanne Martin]

I'm sitting on the porch
Wind blowing through my hair
The ducks are frolicking in the pond
But I just can't seem to care

Life goes on around me
I don't participate
I go through all the motions
But what I really do is wait

I dream about the day
That you'll come "home" to me
Nothing else is important
Why can't people see?

I don't want to go out
I don't want to have fun
I don't want to do a thing
Until all is said & done

They took you in the summer
Now fall is almost finished
Winter will be here very soon
And then the year will have diminished

You have no idea how much I cry
I never let you know
It's so hard out here without you
But I'm not allowed to let it show

I must pretend all is fine
Everyone thinks all's okay
But what I never ever tell them
Is that I cry for you every day