As an introduction let me tell you about a criminal partnership so depraved, so cunning, so utterly ruthless that even Charles Manson gets goosebumps at the mention of their name. Yes, of course I'm talking about....
THE LIGHTNING DEWLAP !
/lightning strikes
/women scream (and then swoon)
/a child has his lollipop stolen (but doesn't mind)
The Dewlap is the pairing of two of Siege Perilous' greatest minds,
James Valentine and
Willy Bugle. Now obviously each is brilliant beyond the spectrum of brilliance but in their own ways they both bring something different to their lives as lawless criminals. James is the backdoor man, the cutpurse, the "how's your father" of lockpickers, the dirty sneak, the git. Willy on the other hand is both the charm and the muscle of the operation. The thug, the schmoozer, the "oh hey look over here while something else happens over there" talker, the wild card, the risk taker, the devil in a sharp suit.
You get the picture, they're men on the edge, living hard and fast.
So, allow me to recount the tale just passed this very morning.
James and Willy were minding their own business at the haunt of haunts, central Luna. Nothing much was occurring besides the standard consideration of marks, rifling of other peoples backpacks and general Machiavellian scheming. Soon enough however a fellow by the name of Papa Georgio (of the Crusaders of the Eight Virtues) saunters into the bank.
He poodles about with his kitsunes trailing behind him, fighting here and there, not doing a whole lot to attract the attention of the Dewlap. Nevertheless, they are watching. Unfortunately for Papa this happens to be the moment where he decides to bundle a good deal of treasure into his backpack, for what purpose we still do not know. James is watching, his thoughts chattering off like gunshots....
Heart of the Lion, 10 stones, too heavy.
Bandages, crap.
Potions, crap.
Gold, crap.
S'a lot of junk in here what's he doing....
Hello hello, bright purple gloves !
Gauntlets of Nobility, 2 stones.
Oh really....!?
So where are they, there, right....
YOINK !Earning his association with their namesake James is
OFF like
LIGHTNING !
Willy notices the trail of fire swooshing out of the banking area and quips "guards, where we're going we don't need,
guards", he is swiftly informed of what just happened and much jubilation is had by one and all. With the gloves secured in the bank of banks, that fortress of fortresses which is Dewlap International, James returns to Luna to confer with his partner.
When you're as wild as Willy Bugle you like to add a little spice to things and so he instructs Valentine to show himself and see what kind of reaction they can elicit from Papa (who has remained at the scene for a good half hour after the crime). The victim instantly catches sight of his oppressor and lets forth a cry that any police chief would be proud of.....
VALENTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE !
James exchanges a few smooth words with the man, protesting his innocence and generally being as polite as possible to capitalise on the irritation stakes. Papa is
not impressed and more or less declares a jihad upon Valentine who has slipped into the shadows in order to listen to the outburst unhindered.
A metaphorical lightbulb appears and pops over James' head, an idea !
Leaving Willy to keep an eye on Papa and his cohorts our dashing rogue heads off to Jhelom and suits himself up in platemail. A quick splash of paint here, a false wig there and our notable James Valentine is now known to the world as "Myron", the mighty (of course).
Clanking his way back into the bank of Luna our man gives Willy a wink and continues to "go about his business" as any man in vendor bought iron platemail would be expected of doing. With this cunning (not to mention recklessly handsome) disguise James is able to listen in as Bugle converses with Papa on the subject of "those bastard thieves", ho ho indeed.
But this is not enough for Bugle, the balls out adrenaline junkie that he is, he insists that since "Myron" is clearly so far from suspicion he should don the gloves so they can see how long it takes Papa to notice and how nuclear he goes when (or if) he does.
The clock ticks off the minutes as our daring duo await the inevitable "OMFG!?" but it takes that long doubt begins to set in. All the while poor James is having to speak in abbreviations, question marks and general broken English just so that "Myron" blends in as your bog standard generic UO player, LMAO !
Soon enough however Bugle ushers "Myron" closer to the tailoring shop where Papa is busy taming a great hart (I know, I know, the man was insane). You can almost see the fires light in his eyes as he comes steaming out and shouting to the tune of "you bastard, those are my gloves" etc etc. Now Bugle has a soft spot as far as the prospective confrontation with Papa was concerned, a collection of words designed to infuriate the victim, so with a flick of the tongue Myron claims....
Mine from home !
Mine from home !
Mine from home !Papa explodes into incandescent rage....
They have the same durability !
BUSTED, Myron has his gloves, imagine that.
James breaks character.....
JAZZ TIME !
....and fades back into the shadows.
And thus our tale reaches it's conclusion, however it would not be complete without a good gander at the goods. So hold onto your sexpots, here we go;
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, DEWLAP !
Yours with love and a damn good hand through your pockets,
James Valentine and Willy Bugle.
PS: As a side note Papa informed us that just prior to the theft he had bought the gloves for the princely sum of two hundred thousand. ZING, my good man, ZING.
PPS: I'm off down south for the weekend, no Covian love for me until Monday or Tuesday, cheerio for now !
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